Best Funniest One Liners I have ever read.....

Folks, I feel humor is one of the tools which helps people in creating lasting impressions over others. Coz, I use them a Lawt !!!! Sometimes it works... Sometimes I get loathed .....

To help some of you, I have found some good one liners on the net.... here are they...

Funny One-Liners

  • 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
  • All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  • Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  • Assassins do it from behind.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  • Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  • Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
  • Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
  • Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  • Death is hereditary.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  • Did anyone see my lost carrier?
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
  • Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
  • Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
  • Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
  • Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
  • Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Honk if you want to see my finger.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • How does Teflon stick to the pan?
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  • I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
  • If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
  • If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
  • Keep honking. I'm reloading.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  • Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • Montana: At least our cows are sane!
  • More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
  • Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
  • My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
  • My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
  • Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
  • Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  • Remember half the people you know are below average.
  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set
  • Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
  • Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
  • Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  • Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
  • Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  • The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  • The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
  • Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  • Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
  • We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • What's the speed of dark?
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  • When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • Who stopped payment on my reality check?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Why is abbreviation such a long word?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
  • You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
  • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
  • Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

2 Responses
  1. Aali Says:

    some were really freaky!!!
    esp Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.


  2. Sujith Says:

    Yes! I liked it tooo....
    and also
    Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.